Stop Press: Britain is repossessing the USA !!!!!

[Wedgebill]

A Message from John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, to the citizens of the United States of
America:



In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
California, which she does not fancy).



Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.



A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:



You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.



1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.



2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'honour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be eliminated.



Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').



3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.



4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.



5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.



Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.



6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.



8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.



9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.



10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.



11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.



12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.



13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket.



14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.



15. An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).



16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God save the Queen.

[fooks]

too funny! he kills me. i can hear his voice saying that too!

[scott]

I already got given the 'evil eye' from Mickey for pointing out the relevance of Clause 12 above. :rolleyes:

[bluesydude]

It is a vast British conspiracy. If you hadn't given exported Pop Idol to the US spawning American Idol, maybe we would have noticed that there actually was a Presidential election in works. :rolleyes:

[cwight]

Yeah, but seriously....why do you need two elections...? it's no wonder the majority of Americans switch off politics. Can't you just let the parties decide who is gonna run and then have the elections...? This way you might get people wanting to become party activists in the hope of having a say in who runs. All this primary stuff....

And if you don't get it sorted all of the above 16 points will come true, with one added dimension......Simon Cowell for president.....yeah...!

[yahsteck1]

LOL ! You are brilliant and a gas i must add Uncle Bill ( Hey guys could you imagin .... no more Uncle Sam but Uncle Bill!
Oh and one more thing , the last word in Clause 7 is spelled wrong:lol:
Catch you later gu-ize... i have to famillur-ize with the new way while i have a doughnut and watch Benny Hill playing Rugby in the Roundabout

[pooterpatty]

I don't mind being repossessed, so long as there's some job openings at the Ministry of Silly Walks.

[Charvelguy]

...or funny hats and stiff postures

[Muddhole]

Be my guest, and fix this economy while your at it and be quick about it.

Are we still getting our stimulus rebates in May?

My teeth will be takin care of right?

[Mozzarello]

Cleese is being my "Master of absurd" since I was a 13yrs old , my parents introduce me to Monty Pithon's Quest of the Holy Grail, then Brian's Life, and other ones (even "A Fish Called Wanda" is great!)

The best type of humor I've seen (of course, sum people hate it) and I i'll continue cheering for it (well, Seinfield, MadTV, among others are great contributions too!).

One of the best quotes from Cleese is (comparing the US vs the UK)

"Here on the UK, we stand on our knees just to properly salute the Queen" (ref: Clinton/lewinski case)

[pooterpatty]

It's just so much easier to poke fun at American politicians because they're like cartoon characters.

[blue4u]

LIKE cartoon characters?!? SH*T!! I thought they WERE cartoon characters. I'm all confused now. If those aren't the actors then who are the REAL ppl in office? Wait, don't answer that....

Rich

[Wedgebill]

I'm pleased to see all you Yanks are not taking this lying down

[scott]

I'm pleased to see all you Yanks are not taking this lying down

Tell that to Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski!

[Wedgebill]

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

Haha, that's a likely story, how much is a gallon of petrol (formerly known here as gasoline) now Scotty. More like $9 a gallon aint it ?????????????

:rolleyes: